The essay prompt that spurred the bizarre beginning of a short story that got me into the Chapman University Screenwriting program. This is the unedited submitted copy, for all you folks trying out for creative programs at university.
The lesson is this, that there are three things you need to know how to deliver: entertainment, purpose, and expectations. Once you show that you can work with these three things, using them and giving them to your audience, you might at least get a shot.
That being said, it’s funny how unpolished my style was back then, looking at it now.
“Good evening! I was rather parched, so I helped myself to your tea. I hope you don’t mind?”
“GYAH!”
No sooner had I closed the door to my apartment and flipped on the lights was I met with the unexpected response of a voice that was coming from my empty rooms. Not only is my heart still beating from such a nasty shock, but the surprise also caused me to trip backwards and conk my head against the door handle. Jeez, that hurts…oh, terrific. Now I’m bleeding. Can this day possibly get any worse?
“Incorrect, my dear boy! Your day cannot get any worse!”
Wait, did the voice just…read my mind? Hah, yeah, like that’s possible. Who exactly is speaking to me, anyway? I’m really not in the mood to get toyed with like this.
“You are right; it’s not possible to read minds. I’m just…well, sufficiently educated, I suppose you could say. OH! Deary me! Forgive my impudence; please allow me to greet you properly. After all, I am a man of manners, if nothing else.”
The singsong voice finally manifested itself as a squat little man who had been sitting on my couch the entire time. Funny how I didn’t notice the voice coming from that direction. Then again, it was sort of echoing throughout the apartment. He bounced up onto the back of the sofa with a squeak of his shoes and sprang across the room to daintily land on my dining table with a second squeak. I finally got a good look at the owner of that strange, childish voice, and I must say that I have never seen anyone like him. If he stood next to me, I’m sure that his head would come to the bottom of my chest. He was astonishingly round…like a beach ball. I can hardly believe I’m saying it, but he looks like a beach ball. I mean, his legs and arms look about the correct proportion for his size, but…his body…A beach ball decked out in a grey suit and spats, with a tiny round bowler hat resting atop his gleaming, hairless head. His sideburns were bushy, running all the way down his hard-set, rectangular jawbones until they reached his chin, where they were divided straight down the middle. His thin, sharp moustache twitched with every movement of his scraggly eyebrows, which were positioned over beady, expressionless eyes. They were expressionless in that they were wide open, threatening to render his countenance as one of madness if his mannerisms weren’t so contrastingly jolly. Actually, only his right eye looked as such, since I can’t affirm what’s behind that misty, cracked monocle covering his left eye. When his feet touched the tabletop, he tossed his bowler hat onto the tip of his black, ragged umbrella and spun slowly on one foot.
“I am your Ferry Godfather! Your misfortunes have played sad melodies unto my ears, and I have sailed across the Space Stream with the answer to your plague of problems!”
Okay… either this guy escaped from a mental ward, or I unconsciously stopped by a bar for a drink on the way home.
“So, you’re my Fairy Godfather, huh? Is that your magic wand?”
“This is an umbrella, young man. And it is Ferry Godfather, not Fairy. If you are this daft, then I am now not at all ignorant as to why you are faced with such adversity.”
“Ho, yeah? What do you know about my adversity, old man? You could be in a lot more trouble than me if I call the police on you for breaking and entering.”
Ferry stopped twirling, but his foot didn’t return to the ground. He peered at me from the side, flashing a broad smile full of crooked teeth, and flung his hat from the umbrella’s point back onto his head. He started to wheeze profusely, and it wasn’t until he opened his mouth and let out several booming guffaws that I realized the old coot was laughing.
“My dear Mr. Niles, permit me enlighten you as to your current situation. Your parents have cut you off monetarily. This raises a problem since you are in desperate need of funds. Sadly, because you were fired from your job recently, you have hardly anything left to eat, and will also soon lose rights to this cozy apartment. The icing on the cake is that your girlfriend just broke up with you tonight when she discovered could no longer provide for her.”
I can’t believe it…he knows my name already, what I’m going through…
“How…how do you know all of this?”
Instead of answering my question, Ferry threw his umbrella into the air before thrusting it inches away from my nose. The enthusiasm of his motions was bizarre, especially since whatever nature his tone reflected never affected the wild look in his eyes.
“My dear boy, I have journeyed here to you with an opportunity. An opportunity to find what you are looking for. Your discontent is due to some fault within yourself, yes, but also because of the faults you find in the world. Shake my hand, and I will take you on a journey to find your ideal reality in the hopes that you might discover exactly what it is you need.”
“You’re talking idiocy. Just leave; all I want is peace.”
“Which you will never find if that is your pursuit. Peace is a byproduct, for it is never permanent for a single second. Besides…”
Ferry drew close and stared into my eyes, burning them with the paced wheezing of his putrid breath. I could almost swear that he was floating in midair.
“I thought you wanted to live a different life?”
He’s been following me home. There’s no other explanation. I said that in the streets…and how else could he have known about my breakup with Kylie? But, even so…this balloon-shaped man is making a pretty nice offer. The life that I want? It sounds too good to be true, but I clasped his outstretched hand anyway. Might be funny to watch the lunatic try.
“I doubt you can do it, but, if granting my wishes will get you out of my house, then go ahead and work your magic.”
The wind howled hard against the side of the building, as if with the intention of reducing it to rubble. Ferry’s grin stretched even further than before, his moustache’s tips pointing straight up and to the side in the shape of a “v.” In a single squeaky bounce, he flew across the living room and landed directly in front of the window. He spun the umbrella in his fingertips before gripping it firmly by the middle and cleanly swiping downwards beside him. The crook of the handle caught on some piece of fabric that appeared to be woven into thin air, and then…impossible…
“Come forth, dear Mr. Niles. It is time for me to ferry you across the Space Stream.”
“I don’t know…I’m not sure I feel comfortable going through there…”
I nodded to the giant, bluish-black void that seemed to be torn right through the stitching of reality. It pulled at my heart, like some giant vacuum. At my response, Ferry’s face darkened, but it was only for a brief second. His cheeks returned to their rosy color, and he laughed heartily.
“Please, Mr. Niles. I am more than capable of ferrying you across the Space Stream.”
“But…you don’t even have a boat!”
“Nonsense! Everyone knows that umbrellas are the most efficient way to travel!”
Ferry stuck his arm into his bowler hat and pulled out an umbrella. I tried to escape the ravings of this odd entity, but he latched the crook of it onto the back of my pants.
“You are now one of my treasured passengers of fate, Mr. Niles! Welcome aboard!”
With a grand flick of his wrist, the umbrella’s folds burst open, and I was dragged into that vast expanse; away from the portly ferryman and my apartment, bound for who-knows-where.