The Gourmet Life

featured in Calliope Literary Magazine’s Spring 2018 edition

Open your stomach, and savor the tale of how I became a true Gourmet. It is a tantalizing tale, encrusted with a firm, yet enticing, start, dribbling with the most sanguine of warm centers, and dissolving into a mindful aftertaste, not too bitter and not too sweet. A quick treat, easy to digest, and only slightly tainted by its own presentation, I hope. I can only hope, you see, for I myself was not ready to live such a tale when it was first served up to me. That tale originated as a surprise, and, like all surprises, it takes retrospect and a cleared head to appreciate its digestion.

The Society of Gourmands for Gustatory Gallantry. Prestigious, a name that just rolls off the tongue with a generous glottal thrust. I first heard of it during my adolescence in the slums, from that old kooky cook Cook’s fables following long days and nights in the Skid Row kitchen. This legendary Society’s entire purpose was to re-imbue food with purpose, at a time when it was erased from reality as unnecessary, and the subsequent meal was rumored to be the most satisfying fourteen-digit expenditure in existence. “If yeh meck yahself useful,” Cook would say in his indiscernible native accent, the one belonging to the mostly-toothless, “them Gormans might sweeps ya up inta one of them ‘Feasts of Lasts.’ Best food ya evah tested. Real food, says a buddy o’ mahn.”

Now, I can guess what you’re thinking: real food? Bullocks, say you, real food doesn’t exist anymore! That’s just a rumor the bureaucracy spreads among its constituents to keep them, and by virtue their votes, alive. But bullocks say not I, because that’s exactly the allure of this so-called “Feast of Lasts”: food, the genuine article, prepared with lavishes of lip-smacking love like you’ve only dreamed! Not the crummy cans of genetic hodgepodge lining our common shelves, meant for nutrition and not for pleasure, but real meat from real animals, real sprouts from real vegetables, real cakes with real sugar…My head swims from mere aftertastes.

The waters of memory run so wide, the vessel of my invitation cannot be seen on the horizon. Was it my personal diary detailing the varying flavors of flavorless foods, published for an extra penny to yield a fortune? Maybe the charity I provided those who could not rise as I did, swept too deep into the despondency of poverty left by the collapse of civilizations we relied upon? Or perhaps my appeals for a Global Reconstruction Effort, to focus on the reintegration of genuine edibles, and not the Baroness Hayflax’s cans of Spammish bile we have no choice but to live and thrive solely upon? Before we can rebuild this broken planet, wrecked by the combined disasters of Nature and humanity, we must first rebuild ourselves; mundane manual labor, day in and day out, needs the color of salivation to liven a mostly rough sketch of what life once was. The people suffer for it, knowing a hearty supper no longer awaits them at home, no longer offers a sweet release, since the looming shadow of order deems it unnecessary.

So, why was I invited by that esteemed Society of Gourmands for Gustatory Gallantry, to participate in the legendary “Supper of Lasts?” For no more evident reason than they sought me, and I was willing.

And so I arrived at the appointed date and time, desiring a good impression. The Premier Palate Pavilion was a botanic garden, erected with monstrous glass panels that allowed the pleasures of the garden without to be felt from within, and capitulating in a dome of multicolored glass as its culinary crown. Even the most ostentatious grandmother would fall leagues short of decorating such a dining room as this one, furnished with jagged jet tables and amber chairs. The Society was around fifty in number, elites from the entire world over in mind, purse, or name, the majority female but the younger majority male, and all bedecked in clothes expensive enough to dress a child for five years. To pass the time, these laughing faces orbited politics, philosophy, romance, the collapse of society, gossip, and, above all else, the anticipated supper.

My host was a magnanimous Swede by the name of Doctor Major Major Doctor; for brevity, I shall simply call him Doctor Major. He was a man of both military and medicinal repute, famously wealthy, yet saving pride for his elevated taste. He had been impressed with my work, and heartily took me under the arm, destined for parades in and out of certain socialite groups to captivate them with my theories on Nutritional Selection and the Zen potential of taste buds. I was quickly pleased by how fascinated they were of the intellectualism I brought to the dinner table, my favor being most profound upon the Doctor Major himself.

“Right-o, boy, well said! For what is a man but a beast, if he can’t appreciate what really hits the spot?”

Well, now, I felt compelled to give him other indications of how to tell whether a being is a beast or a man, but, seeing my company’s boredom settling in, reeled them back in with a discussion on the psychological effects of Parsley garnish, the singular sprig that always makes it onto the plate despite never being eaten.

I eventually became distracted by the scenery, the porcelain fountains and lush tropical trees providing better food for the eyes than my companions’ food for the ears. Mind you, I rose from the gutters; only in dreams had I been privy to such extravagance. And the animals! Lured by the smells of the cuisine as if they anticipated it as much as I, shadows lumbered out from behind the chalky curtain of night. Creatures of all sizes: a large cat with orange coat and zigging stripes, a bulky, grey, wrinkly thing with a spear sprouting from its nose, a leathery green monster-worm with a tongue flicking in and out of its jaws, a fish the size of a car, sleek and black with white splotches…Truly, a more colossal menagerie had never been seen!

But my eager eyes would grow wider still, not from amazement, but stunned confusion. Among the bushes, hidden behind a pitcher plant the size of a telephone pole, was a young man. I would not find this strange, were he not bare as a peeled banana, and his eyes any less piercing. But they did not pierce with emotion or intelligence; there was no emotion or intelligence to be found, but a hopeless cloud that made him appear dopey-eyed, unaware, like those animals with hooves and horns to which cars were the primary predator. I pressed my palm against the glass, anxious not to scare him but not to remain unaware of him. He sniffed the air, plodding towards my hand though looking everywhere it was not, and pressed his cheek against the glass. His eyes frightened me, for there was no spirit, no recognition, no process of thought that existed there. All I saw were two wet, ebony gems – glossy, empty, dormant.

A brass gong resonated throughout, signaling the first course. My strange companion faded back into the moonlit garden.

I took a seat between Doctor Major and a middle-aged woman cradling yards of furs wrapped around her chest at one of the round tables, aching for an explanation of what I just witnessed, but feeling it improper as the pu-pu platters arrived with their assortment of appetizers. Skewers a forearm high, penetrating a stack of speckled melons and spotted, stringent meats. My inquiries were soon forgotten to me with this, our first taste of that legendary “Feast of Lasts.” The morsels were, in a word, fresh, in another word salivating. Their steam lifted with our forks, and continued out our nostrils as our teeth closed on them like an ivory curtain. A sigh of ecstasy was echoed by the whole room, well deserved; never had I tasted fruits so plump, meats so tender, vegetables so crisp! Doctor Major elbowed me in the ribs with good humor.

“That’s the ticket! Does it live up to everything you expected, boy? Or does it shatter those expectations like a glass ceiling?”

I murmured in the assent, drooling a little of that savory juice.

“That there is a special mutation between dragon fruit, watermelon, and some berry or other that escapes me. But our supper isn’t named for mutated fruits, oh, hell no! The meat, gamey and tame simultaneously, is none other than Jaguar, a ferocious jungle cat! The last of its kind, boy, so savor it while you can!”

I was struck by the sudden realization that this would be the only time such a heavenly taste would perch upon my tongue, before dissolving forever. I asked why the cats were not bred, so that we may always partake of grilled Jaguar whenever we pleased.

“Why, I took you for more of a man of thought that. Breed Jaguar? Haugh! The only reason Jaguar, or any meat for that matter, bursts with such flavor is because you can only try it once!”

I found this line of reasoning impudent, for how should I recall its flavor from just one sample during my lifespan? And, oh, the pangs to come, pangs to feast on Jaguar again and knowing it cannot be offered by the whole world! I was the only one of this mind, as the Society of Gourmands for Gustatory Gallantry slobbered and smacked over their trifle portions, wolfing down the chunks without second thought.

Of course, I knew you would question my care for life, for that magnificent beast I have reduced to a mouthful of taut, juicy muscle. And I ask you, in return, what is the difference between this Jaguar and the cow, so readily put to the slaughter in times before civilization’s collapse? Back then, a pig, a horse would be murdered for its utilities, so why should this cat not also serve its purpose?

The next appetizer was rolled out as fast as the last was devoured: glazed dumplings stuffed with peacock. Again, what makes this fowl so holy when compared to the chicken? I ate it, and found it better than any chicken.

In this manner the “Feast of Lasts” progressed with a few more appetizers, each a beast that marked the end of its kind. Then, the main course was announced, and served to eyes that appeared to be drooling just staring at it. My plate was uncovered, and I found myself marveling at the smoothest, shiniest meat, a tanned orange strewn with purple veins, a sweet, pungent smell swelling my brain.

“Well? Don’t sit there gawking all day. Have a bite, won’t you?”

I looked towards Doctor Major, and realized that all eyes in the Pavilion were strained directly at me, eager for my first taste of that sumptuous flank. Observing it as custom, I took the first bite.

Good God! The rich flavors of this meat were an achievement of creation, greater than anything I have had or could ever possible consume again, putting Jaguar to shame! The luscious juices, the tough skin, the tender consistency…the room shared my opinion, surely, for they tore into their portions like demons, and the meal was finished in a hot second. I was sad to see it go forever, almost to the point of tears.

“You enjoyed it? Don’t grieve, boy; this wasn’t the last time you’ll have that particular meat.”

I was overjoyed to hear the good news! Surely they couldn’t be so sadistic as to disregard this meat as they did the previous five. So, what was this heavenly main course of the “Feast of Lasts,” the same main course of every “Feast of Lasts?”

“A gift, my boy. A gift from the esteemed Baroness Hayflax.”

Ah, really? I could not imagine the creator of the government’s regulated food, formless and heartless, to have such taste as to be permitted into this Society. She was rumored a wealthy old woman, age not dulling her wit, a formidable debater on any stage but preferring to keep her diamond ringed fingers steeped in politics. I had despised her for what she forced us all to consume, but I suppose there were reasons for it. I inquired which table the good woman was at, to confess my misgivings and thank her. Doctor Major laughed.

“Why, she’s at every table, boy! A bit of her at least…you were lucky, getting the ass! Juiciest portion, am I right?”

At first, I could not have surmised what my new friend was going on about. But then I looked around at the gleaming grins of my company, teeth gnashing in consummation; a forearm picked clean here, stacked rings of breast meat there, a rib, a hand…an eyeball, staring at me from the end of a fork, its darkened vision grown darker as it was slurped down. Hazy and aching, my consciousness returned to what remained of the late Baroness Hayflax before me. My gut sunk, clammy and cold, with the steel taste of vomit.

I had eaten another human being! Disgusting, evil! That these devils would treat such an act with the highest class, and drag me headlong into it without knowing! On purpose or no, I committed the gravest offense to humanity, even savored every moment of it…I felt so sick, not only in stomach, but in soul. Some part of my humanity – I don’t know how to describe it – but I felt lesser. Less than a person…like an animal. Animals eat their own young, so does the Society of Gourmands for Gustatory Gallantry devour its own members!

Shame, horror compelled me to rise, and bile dripped from the corners of my mouth as I choked it down with more willingness than to finish my meal. The company watched me, glossy shining, waiting for my next move. Was I to run from the Society? Was I to give up fine dining forever?

To be honest, these fears were not what caused me to hesitate. Nor were they what weighed me back into my seat. No, no…it was dear Baroness Hayflax, and her sumptuous rump. God, what a sumptuous rump! The Jaguar, the peacock…none compared to the heartiness of that good lady’s barbecued hindquarters. I still felt awful, downright awful, but how could I return to those cans of pus, the only option for children bred of the slums? As the rest resumed dining, I resolved to wait, to not eat another bite…but I did. Then another. Then the Baroness Hayflax was gone, and only her salty juices swam in the dish.

Dessert was splendid, but I don’t have the heart to describe all the puddings and jellies it entailed. How could they pierce the rotten heart of a cannibal? The meal wrapped up, farewells were exchanged, and an almost mocking eulogy of the late Baroness was presented. I tried to keep up a good show, but was too shocked to offer anything other than a dazed, curt politeness. When most of the party had departed, the Pavilion painted the color of night, rows of waiters burst forth through double doors on roller skates. Faster than I could follow, they folded the tables, carted the chairs, convincing in their ignorance with professional haste. One, a woman with her hair in cornrows, approached me with a smile.

“Did you find everything to your liking, sir?”

I ran. Through the maze of glass hallways, I ran, in a cold sweat with a hellish heat burning my chest. On the other side of the walls, I could see the sad, staring faces of the animals. They knew, they knew that I was just one of them, that none of my culinary refinements and fancy words could hide the plain truth that I was just another lowly creature. I stumbled outside, desperate to escape the jungle’s condemnation.

“Ho there! Need a ride home?”

Doctor Major Major Doctor waved at me from his station wagon. I did not want to join him, but knew I must for safety. Who knows how this cult obtains their human brand of meat? Was I to be next?

The drive home began in silence. I knew not what to say, afraid of causing offense that could put me in harm’s way. Doctor Major glanced my way discreetly, opened his mouth a few times, but stopped short to twirl his mustache. The property stretched a mile in every direction, but he didn’t wish to let it pass before speaking.

“Listen, boy, I know what you’re about. You’re all twisted up inside right now because you just ate another human being, yeah? Felt like a punch in the nuts when I found out, too, but I kept eating. Stuff’s just too damn good! You did the same, being a man of intelligence, so I know I can tell you the truth. I’m sure it will help ya calm down a bit, help ya sleep at night.”

We were nearing the end of the jungle. I could make out some small fire ahead, which Doctor Major also saw and insisted I strain my eyes to see what it illuminated.

Behold, can I believe my own eyes? What did I see but men and women, even children, all bare as the road through the jungle and stupid as the farm animal with hooves and devilish horns? They sat around the fire, the younger ones hooting, the older ones silent, but all stared at our passing car with bright, glossy eyes, similar to the boy I encountered before the feast. In a few feet, the Premier Palate Pavilion, and that tribe of strange humanoids, was behind us.

Doctor Major Major Doctor cleared his throat, and began his justification.

“You see, the laws of our great land are against murder, for good reason. Without people, how would we support our own extravagancies, you know? But share and share alike can create some dismal prospects for workers, who have nothing really to work for but to keep our government moving. The laws are against murder, yes…but they say nothing of self-murder. We seek out those people, the ones who have no hope in their eyes, or up to their necks in bills, and make them a proposal:

‘How would you like us to take care of all your needs, so that you never have to worry again?’

The terms are simple; the subject will live on our properties for a minimum seven years, eating as much as they please and freed from working for nothing ever again. I mean, it’s pretty clear-cut, right? Would they rather be cattle for the bureaucracy, yet spend every penny they have just to end the grumbling in their bellies for an hour and pretend to be civilized, or would they rather be cattle for us, and never worry a dime over security or social pretensions again?

Most agree pretty quickly, I think. They have problems later down the line about how much freedom we allow, the freedom to act like animals, but the reasoning lobe of their brains calms down after a month or two. You can tell, considering how many children were in that group alone; the kids are raised to be without language. Soon, the original escapists think no better than your average ape, and all they do is sleep, eat, and fuck all the livelong day. They signed a contract, you see, so they’re not very well allowed to leave when they so please, but an unworthiness to re-enter society sets in eventually. That, and, I guess, a reluctance to go back to misery. Besides, did they have that much control in their other lives, anyway?

Beside the point, beside the point. Anyhow, after seven years, which the monkeys can’t count because the jungle doesn’t come with a calendar, we decide whether to continue cultivating them or to slip a drug into their meal. You heard me; we euthanize them. Nothing very barbaric, especially since they literally signed their lives away to us (first line in the fine print), so think of it as…assisted suicide. Yeah. We’re all animals after all, am I right, boy? Just better than thinking than the rest. You’ve seen what happens when you take a man out of civilization, but you’ve also seen what happens while he is in it; destined to be a pack animal either way, living off others’ purses and letting his drivers live off his hide. Tell me, what’s the difference between a man and a sheep?”

I said I didn’t quite know what a sheep was.

“Oh. Well, shit. I was going to say a sheep can offer more than just meat, but the joke’s lost if you don’t know what that is. We’ll have to have some next time around! Delectable thing, sheep, goes down easy.”

I was surprised how calmed I was by this explanation. Is man no more than a glorified animal? If so, there is nothing legally wrong about what the Society is doing. In fact, they’re doing these people a favor; instead of working to put money in your neighbor’s pocket, you don’t have to work and are still provided for? I…I hesitate to say, but maybe I wasn’t reasoning well enough. True, what makes man more than the Jaguar, the Peacock, besides his intellect? And it’s not like this outcome was against their will, and carried out inhumanely…

“Oh, and the Baroness Hayflax? No, she didn’t go through all that, she died of age. Very peaceful sleep it was, I heard. Yeah, she donated her body to the Society, said it was the only thing she looked forward to every month, and asked us to remember her for her lavish taste. But I’m pretty sure she meant something entirely different than what we’re thinking now, eh?”

Doctor Major laughed throatily, an echo on that solitary road above the rumble of the engine. To act natural, I joined in. As my thoughts raced, I realized something…nothing the Doctor Major said was really wrong. And they were doing such a great favor for these poor souls in their last years, too; I know what it’s like, having once been in their position. I got out of the gutter, but suppose there are those who are unable to? Then I’d reckon…I’d reckon this is a fine way out, even charitable. Even humane.

My laughter, genuine this time over such an agreeable impossibility, rose in the night to meet Doctor Major’s, and our voices twinkled in the sky over that desolate plain beyond the jungle. The moon followed us home to the city, where the free man still toils under the yoke of his own curse; the curse of being born without purpose, able to recognize this truth, and unable to help serving all but himself.

Another month has passed, and I will put your fears to rest: I made up my mind to join the Society of Gourmands for Gustatory Gallantry that next day. Access to the kitchen was granted to me, that I might experiment with the best use of my talents. Tonight, we shall begin with my own recipes, using such exquisite meats as Orca, Cassowary, and Tortoise. Then we move on to…well, you know what’s always to be the main course. I do not even care that my own creations are destined to pale in comparison. Oh, how fortunate I am, to have been accepted into the company of true Gourmets!